Stardust

To my babyboy, happy two-year anniversary.

This is the final piece I drew in the following days I lost you. I'm sorry I'm still not quite strong enough to finish the painting of this, but I forgive myself, because I know you wouldn't mind either way.

I never thought I'd be a person who would want memories of you scattered around my room as dusty nic-nacs filled with earth and bone until I actually had to hold you as you left. I've been hiding it away all this time, I'm sorry. I think maybe I can set you out soon. Someday I'd like to plant something in your ashes... but there's no rush, is there. I know you wouldn't mind either way. 

I did strange things to cope, and many of them I regret. I get intrusive thoughts of your expression the night before- glassy eyed, the last time you spoke to me, telling me the truth about your life. I don't mind the pain that comes with it, but I wish I had been more understanding. I wish I did more, was kinder, more patient. ...But I know you don't mind either way.

We have a new friend in the house, now. She's nothing like either of you, but.... I'm proud of my mom for letting someone new in, for her sake- the house has never been so still before, and since our other baby followed you only a year later, we've been so lonely. I'm proud of myself, too. I told everyone the truth, that I wasn't ready for anyone else. I'm so peaceful holding you in my heart a little while longer. It's selfish, but, it was your favorite place. I know you wouldn't mind.